The Prison of Unforgiveness

The Prison of Unforgiveness.

“Forgiveness is the key that unlocks the door of resentment and the handcuffs of hate. It is the power that breaks the chains of bitterness and the shackles of selfishness.” (Corrie Ten Boom, imprisoned in a Nazi concentration camp for harboring Jews during WWII).

There are many ways we can contrast the virtues of forgiveness with the vices of unforgiveness:

• If forgiveness is a sweet fragrance, then unforgiveness is a bitter stench;
• If forgiveness releases God’s grace, then unforgiveness withholds God’s grace;
• If forgiveness is a quick-acting healing balm for both parties, then unforgiveness is a slow-acting poison for both parties;
• If forgiveness sets the Holy Spirit loose, then unforgiveness keeps the Holy Spirit contained;
• If forgiveness liberates, then unforgiveness imprisons;
• If forgiveness sends away hurtful words, then unforgiveness holds tight to hurtful words;
• If forgiveness trusts God as the final judge, then unforgiveness trusts himself as the final judge;
• If forgiveness pardons and discards the key, then unforgiveness locks up and loses the key;
• If forgiveness is being generous to a fault, then unforgiveness is being stingy to a fault;
• If forgiveness is extravagant, then unforgiveness is tight-fisted;
• If forgiveness recklessly cancels a debt, then unforgiveness carefully retains a debt;
• If forgiveness removes burdens, then unforgiveness multiplies burdens;
• If forgiveness gives up the right to punish, then unforgiveness maintains the right to seek revenge;
• If forgiveness reflects the character of the Anointed One, then unforgiveness reflects the character of the evil one;
• If forgiveness is a voluntary act of merciful grace, then unforgiveness is a voluntary act of unmerciful dis-grace;
• If forgiveness digs out a bullet of malice so the wound won’t fester, then unforgiveness keeps the bullet in so the wound becomes infected;
• If forgiveness is a fire extinguisher, then unforgiveness adds fuel to the fire.

“Make every effort to live in peace with everyone and to be holy; without holiness, no one will see the Lord. See to it that no one misses the grace of God and that no root of bitterness grows up to cause trouble and the corruption of many.” (Hebrews 12:4).

A Question of Roots. The writer of Hebrews is offering advice as to how to keep the peace with others: If you let bitterness take root in your heart, peace will be impossible. In fact, the bitter root will grow underground and end up corrupting the community. Letting resentment take root in one’s life will cause discord in a relationship and will guarantee a lack of peace in a community. But there is hope. There is another Root, Jesus. He twice called Himself a Root of David in Revelation (5:5 and 22:16). Jesus here claims to be the original source of existence itself, and of spiritual nutrition and stability as well. We can ask that God tear out the root of bitterness, uproot the unforgiving resentment in our heart, and replace it with the righteous Root of Jesus. We need to cooperate with God by confronting any bitterness we might have with someone else, confessing it, then reconciling with our neighbor. Let the True Root provide what is needed to heal the bitterness and keep it from spreading strife and discord. Let the Prince of Shalom grow deep roots of peace. “If the root is holy, so are the branches.” (Romans 11:16).

“Love your enemies; do good to those who hate you; bless those who curse you, and pray for those who spitefully use you. Give to everyone who asks of you. And from him who takes away your goods do not ask them back.” (Luke 6:27-30).

Personal Enemies and Unforgiveness. Jesus was once asked, “Who is my neighbor?” In this context, a good question would be, “Who is my enemy?” Scripture seems to say that an enemy is anyone who hates you. An enemy is anyone who curses you, mistreats you, is unfair to you, harasses you, who uses you for his gain. Taken this way, in a world of sin, we all have ample opportunities to practice and live into this ideal of Christ about loving our enemies. This particular command of Jesus is maybe the most difficult command to put into practice. How do we let our enemy bring out the best in us, and not the worst? Even if we don’t feel like it, in fact especially when we don’t feel like it, love of enemy is an act of will, and intentional decision to go against our human instinct and respond with kindness to those who hate us, to actually go out of our way to minister to this personal enemy. If having a difficult time knowing where to start, ask yourself, what would I do if I actually loved this enemy? Then do that. Odds are that it starts with forgiveness. That’s a good place to start, after asking for the Holy Spirit to equip us with what is needed to follow Jesus into this special kind of love.

The Partnership of Forgiveness and Reconciliation.  “Whenever you stand praying, if you have anything against anyone, forgive him, that your father in heaven may also forgive you.” (Mark 11:25).  If there’s one thing that is music to God’s ears; if there’s one thing that brings joy to the heart of Christ; if there’s one thing the Holy Spirit wants us to do… It’s reconciliation. Peace and harmony between believers, and unity in the church body, reflects the Kingdom of God, and has been God’s priority since Day One. Reconciliation between Christ-followers is even more important than celebrating Eucharist in church, which is why the Kiss of Peace has been a vital part of Christian worship services since the apostolic era in church history. This sacred Kiss, short and sincere, on the cheek between united believers who are in full fellowship is a symbol of complete reconciliation, with nothing to forgive, a clean slate between them. This holy Kiss is a physical symbol of the spiritual truth of unity between believers. Some have even called it a sacrament. However, if a Christian walks into church and realizes he needs to settle accounts with someone else in the church, he should seek him out, whether he offended the other person or the other person offended him (Matthew 5:23). When someone offers a kiss of peace, that person is saying that she or he has a clear conscience with that other person, that any division has been healed, any wrong has been forgiven, any bitterness is in the past. This is why the Kiss of Shalom is always placed before the Eucharist in the worship service. There needs to be union between people before there is Communion with God. There needs to be a feast of peace before there is the Lord’s Supper. So there is no excuse. It doesn’t matter if you remember that someone has something against you (Matt. 5:23), or if you remember you have something against someone else (Mark 11:25), reconciliation is a crucial responsibility, peacemaking is a must for disciples of Jesus. “Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called children of God.” (Matt. 5:9).

The Kiss of Shalom. St. Paul included the Kiss of Peace, also called a Holy Kiss, four different times in his benedictions: Romans 16:16; 1 Corinthians 16:20; 2 Corinthians 13:12, and 1 Thessalonians 5:26. For him to mention this part of worship in his letters, it must have been important, and it sounds like he expected it to be done in his churches. The Kiss is called holy, because it is set apart from romantic kisses and only allowed between believers who are at peace with each other. The Kiss of Peace is dependent upon a sincere confession, a gracious forgiveness, and a heartfelt reconciliation. The love that is required in all those difficult steps comes from one Source, the love of Christ. The love seen in a Kiss of Peace is grounded on the love of Christ poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit.

The Partnership of Unforgiveness and Victimhood. On the one hand, it’s easy for us to get stuck in being a victim, since we have all been there, victimized by thoughtless and mean people in word and deed. But psychological studies show that those who are stuck on being victims become dependent on others, bitter and unforgiving, and pessimistic. According to the studies, victims tend to blame others, are stuck in the past, and don’t have the ability to overcome difficulty. According to psychiatrist Dr. Edith Eger, in her book The Choice, rather than holding on to victimization, it is healthier and more life-giving to choose to be a survivor, choose to escape the past, choose to go from “trauma to triumph.” She says that permanent victims become their own jailors and will always be enslaved by their victimhood. They will never rise above whatever difficulties they faced. Speaking as a Jewish woman who was a prisoner in Nazi death camps, Dr. Eger says victimization is optional. Unforgiveness means that we have chosen to live in the past instead of living with the past. Unforgiveness means we haven’t let go of our victimhood and are brooding over our hurts and milking them for all its worth. Unforgiveness means we are nursing our grievances as opposed to learning what we can from them and then rising above them. Victimhood and unforgiveness can easily become a lifestyle, a world view, and forgiveness is the only key to unlocking that particular prison.

Forgiveness is (Practically) Impossible. It’s not just difficult, it’s impossible. Why did Jesus have to go and preach so much about forgiveness? Given the state of our world around us and the brokenness within us, unforgiveness seems downright inevitable. We have already demonstrated that we are powerless to forgive others from the heart. Down through the centuries of the human story, is there one quality that is obviously lacking in humankind? Forgiveness is everyone’s one big blind spot. It’s the opposite of our inclination. Yes, forgiveness is the secret of what love looks like, but we still can’t seem to do this consistently, or from the heart. Forgiveness is love distilled to its basic element, but nonetheless we can’t get it through our thick skulls, or is it our hard hearts, to do this the way God wants us to. If there’s anything that reflects God’s character, it’s forgiveness. And it’s the one thing we have so much trouble doing. Sometimes all we can say is… we believe, help our unbelief. What’s impossible with us is only possible through God, with God’s help. O Lord, turn our hearts of hard, unforgiving stone into hearts of soft, forgiving flesh, forgiving others as you have forgiven us. Transform us into forgivers, just like Jesus on the cross who said, “Forgive them…”

“So put away all bitterness, rage, and anger, all insulting and slanderous language, and words that injure others, as well as every form of malice or spitefulness. Instead, be kind, tenderhearted and compassionate, forgiving one another as quickly and completely as God forgave you in Christ.” (Ephesians 4:31-32).