Home Unsweetened: How a Man Can Make a Hell of a Home
Home Unsweetened: How a Man Can Make a Hell of a Home.
C. S. Lewis’ book “The Screwtape Letters” is a series of conversations between two fallen angels in Hades, and strategies they can use to make a person truly fit for hell. It’s a classic, and I recommend it. I would like to take the same tack and bring you a podcast of a devil in hell who is trying to explain to his newly admitted men there how to nurture a miserable home, which is want they want in hell, of course. Naturally, everything they want you to do is exactly the opposite of what we truly want. So, stay on your toes here, everyone, as I explain how to make a home fit for hell.
Welcome, men! Welcome to your first podcast in Hades! A special welcome to you who are new to our world here deep beneath the planet earth. This is your first workshop with us here, and I am your House Devil. Just call me Snake. I know this topic is near and dear to your heart… How to have an unhappy home here in Hell. You no doubt have a lot of experience in this important issue and now that you are with us for a considerable time, we want to remind you of what was so successful in your earthly life in establishing homes that were truly hell on earth. We want you to have a home here that you can be proud of. We will remind you of what it takes to be absolutely miserable at home, and how to spread that misery to everyone who shares your home. Well, let’s get started. I’m pleased to see so many of you ready to take notes on your ipads and smart phones. Perfect! That’s a good sign! In fact, that takes us straight to our first helpful hint:
(1.) Be a slave to technology. It’s best if your nose is always in your smart phone or laptop. Make sure your family always sees you with your eyes looking downward into the many types of technology available to us. If there’s anything new in the techie world, take it, grab it, use it. It would be wonderful if you constantly have earbuds safely settled into your inner ears as well, so you can tune others out. It’s so much easier interacting with technology than with real people, right? So be heavily involved in social media and the hourly news cycle. You don’t want to miss out on the latest outrageous opinion or life-altering news. And this is important, men: the more hours you spend on Netflix movies or video games, the better. Virtual reality is so much more exciting than the real thing. Your wife will love it, your kids will love it, trust me. Just be constantly entertained by machines, and you’ll never regret it. All of this will help you keep a nice safe distance from your children, and goes far in keeping eye contact with your wife at a minimum.
(2.) Be competitive in the home. Try to win in everything, every time. Make it your goal to outdo your wife in everything that happens during the day. Make sure you thoroughly dominate your children at checkers, every time! Keep your bragging rights and masculine pride at all costs. True love is a competition, so you need to prove yourself a better lover, more insightful, a better shopper, more compassionate. a harder worker, a better parent than your neighbors, and more spiritual than your wife. After your domestic wins, be as patronizing and condescending as possible. That will go far in keeping everyone in their place.
(3.) Seek self-fulfillment first. Don’t concern yourself with what might be fulfilling to your wife or satisfying to your children. Remain blind to what might be life-giving to her or to the kids. If you accidentally stumble onto what inspires and satisfies you wife, just ignore it and move on. If a rewarding experience for a child conflicts with your schedule, you come first of course. After all, it’s your wife’s job to discover what is life-giving for you, right? And it’s your children’s work at home to make you the center of attention, always. If your wife does indeed discover something life-giving, make sure you don’t support it. It might be in conflict with your own self-fulfillment. Put simply, everything in the home revolves around you, at all times.
(4.) Do things separately. Enjoy yourself by yourself. Make sure you have enjoyable experiences apart from your family. After all, you were born an individual, so remain an individual. Don’t develop any kind of common history with your wife and children, because you’d have to share all that pleasure. Don’t worry about providing any unforgettable family experiences that would provide meaningful memories for everyone. One of our favorite sayings here in hell is, ‘Pleasure shared brings half the pleasure.’ Remember that.
(5.) Be devoutly ambitious. Be single-minded as you make sure your career is the driving force in your life. Job advancement is priority #1, more important that anything in your personal life, like faith, wife, children, friends. Orient your whole life around your work. Remember that your professional life makes the man. Embrace the idea that career success is the only thing that makes you truly happy and fulfilled. And if you are ever tempted to change jobs for the sake of your home life, resist that temptation at all costs! Or if your job requires several moves around the country, do it! The family can adjust for your better good, right? Always try to remember that your life is a complete failure if you don’t succeed at work.
(6.) Don’t be such a hero. Hide your strength, whether moral, physical, emotional, or mental. If a situation calls for you to be strong and “man up,” such as defending a loved one or offering a well-considered opinion, take a step back before you make a big mistake. Don’t let anyone at home see you rise to a challenge or do something difficult. Make sure your wife and family see you as someone who is always wishy-washy and passive, not someone who bravely advocates a righteous but unpopular cultural trend, or confidently stands up for what you believe in. Don’t do or say something that might offend someone, for hell’s sake. To be virtuous in word and deed is a sign of moral strength, so try to keep that to a minimum. Someone might think you’re trying to be uppity or holier than thou. If a heroic action is called for, such as facing off with a bully or stepping into danger for someone’s safety or welfare, take a deep breath and think twice about that. By all means, don’t go out on a limb and risk your popularity just to do the right but difficult thing. I’ll bet you discovered in your life on earth that life is too short to be heroic, right? Just keep that main principle in mind here. You certainly don’t want it getting around that you are some type of macho, macho man!
(6.) Don’t trust your family. Be suspicious of everything your wife does, and be doubtful about everything your children say. Keep them on a short leash. Always be your wife’s jiminy cricket on her shoulder, making her accountable to you for things like family expenses, conversations with friends, how she spends her time, and what her motivations are for every action. Trust your wife and kids about as far as you can throw them, which is not very far since you are allowed to be as weak as you want here in hell. We firmly believe that your family will at some point appreciate the fact that you don’t trust them or their judgment. It’s probably best if they never learn to trust their own judgment. Your family will grow from this experience, believe me, and they will all come realize how thankful they are to have you help them stay on track in life.
(7.) Don’t be considerate. If you worry too much about pleasing your wife or making your kids happy, you’ll forget to please yourself, which is a mortal sin in Hell. Forget about doing the little things that make them happy. Don’t clean up after the kids, or give them playful bathtimes, or do anyone any favors. You don’t want to spoil them in any way. If you try to find those little things that shows you care for them, how ae they going to learn to be responsible for their own messes in life? If you catch yourself doing something kind to someone in your family and not wanting any credit for it, don’t give in to temptation! If you begin to offer an undeserved favor or do something considerate that no one asked for, drop that whole idea forthwith! That’s something the Enemy would do!
(8.) Be ready to rumble, always. Be poised to have an argument. Make your default attitude be antagonism at all times. Turn every minor disagreement into a quarrel. Make a mountain out of every molehill. Never learn to distinguish a major deal and a minor deal. Instead, be hostile and make a major battle over every little tiff. Never stop to consider if an issue is worth the emotion put into it. And certainly, make sure you raise your voice whenever possible. That can be wonderfully intimidating and change the whole dynamic into your favor. You know the saying down here… When possible, add more heat to a discussion, not more light. Whenever possible at home, turn up the temperature.
(9.) Limit your sense of humor. Never be funny on purpose, never be intentionally light-hearted. For sure, never tell corny jokes or hilarious stories. Try not find the humor in a serious situation. Make your wife feel guilty or self-conscious when she is funny or light-hearted. Try to maintain a grave demeanor, try not to smile unless it’s from sarcasm. Of course, never laugh at yourself. If something happens to you that is genuinely amusing, change the subject, and don’t tell anyone. Laughter is not a medicine, it’s a curse. So never, never share a good-humored laugh together. It’s a slippery slope to downright joy.
(10.) Waste your money carefully. Gambling is a wonderful way to waste money. So are designer clothes and adult toys. Just focus on wasting your money on things you don’t need, things where you are the primary beneficiary. Spending your hard-earned money on the least, the lost, and the left out is not appropriate at any time. That me-first principle stood you well on earth, so continue with that mindset here. Your selfish lifestyle is one of the things that brought you to us, so keep that ball rolling! The more you spend on things and not people, the better. Unless the person is you, of course.
(11.) Don’t share friends. Dislike your wife’s friends as much as possible. Remind her often what poor decisions she makes in developing friendships. Don’t share your friends with your wife, either. Heaven help us if you actually enjoyed the company of others with your wife. What would that lead to? And don’t get involved with the friends of your children. That would be going down to their level, which is to be avoided at all costs. Remember, all dads in hell are above it all, above friendships, above love for children, above love for wife, everything. Here in Hades, don’t forget that somehow it all comes back to you, doesn’t it?
(12.) Think Secretly. Don’t ever let your wife or kids know what you are thinking. Don’t share your thoughts either. Be a mystery, a closed book at all times. Make everyone at home guess what’s on your mind, and keep them guessing. Keep your privacy intact when it comes to sharing ideas, thoughts, feelings, opinions. What your wife doesn’t know won’t hurt her, and it’s the same with your children. Give the impression that you are profound and deep in your quiet thinking. You can fool a lot of people that way, including your wife and children. Resist the temptation to do a little thinking out loud. You know you’re on the wrong track in hell if you find yourself saying, “I may be wrong here, but…” Hell forbid! Don’t ever admit to that!
(13.) Be stubborn. Never give in. Don’t admit you could be mistaken. Dig in your heels over every disagreement, whether significant or not. Certainly, in your stubbornness, never apologize. It only makes you look weak. If you admit you made a mistake, your wife or kids could use that against you and never trust you again. So stand your ground, and pretend you are infallible. Here in Hades, it’s only the fools who are the teachable ones.
(14.) Don’t be affirming. Don’t ever compliment your wife in any way, whether it’s for her giftedness, her personality, her personal strengths, her appearance, her accomplishments. Don’t affirm your wife, because it might just go to her head, and she’ll come expecting it from you every day. That would be a disaster for your unhappy home. And certainly don’t ever adore your children for how the Enemy made them in His image. Don’t cherish the uniqueness of each child, don’t ever let words of blessing or affirmation come out of your mouths with wife or kids. Our boss here in hell is the Accuser, not the Affirmer!
(15.) Don’t grieve. When something really bad happens, like if you have lost a loved one, don’t lower yourself to grieve with your wife. You can’t let her see you as weak and vulnerable. If you let a tear slip down your face, make sure it’s a meaningless tear, an empty tear, a tear that doesn’t really reflect your true emptions. Don’t allow your wife to support you in your grief. Don’t give her the privilege of helping you in your weakness. That’s not what a real man does. And certainly don’t come alongside your children when they experience the difficult things that can happen in life. Don’t try to be like the Enemy and comfort them and share their unhappiness. Never do what the Spirit of the Enemy does, which is demonstrate true love to someone who is suffering.
(16.) Make Your Home Unsafe. One of the Enemy’s strategies is to help each person nurture a home that is a refuge, a shelter, a safe place in a rather turbulent and unpredictable world. So, for Hell’s sakes, don’t let that happen! Create a climate of fear, for crying out loud! Don’t let your home become a house of peace, of all things, where each person at home is secure in the love and acceptance found there. Make sure your wife and kids don’t feel safe from your criticism of their opinions, or their performances in sports, or their grades in school, or their human mistakes as they try to figure out what it means to grow up. Make sure the mom feels unsafe and insecure with your unjust critical remarks. In fact, maybe the best way to say this is that you men have to make sure you cultivate a critical spirit in the home. And if someone needs to be embraced and emotionally protected at home, may it neve be so! If someone comes home and needs a sense of healing from a wounded spirit, forget it! They’ve got to toughen up, right? What does your family think a home is, some sort of hospital, or refuge, a shelter from the strong winds in the world? Make sure your family realizes that the home is not the place where they will find a warm acceptance in this fiercely unaccepting world where rejection seems to be hiding around every corner. Make sure your home is the first place your children do not see a friendly face!
So that’s it for now, noble men of Hell. I hope my hints at making your homes as deplorable and unhappy as possible here in your new place will go far in establishing a Hell that’s worthy of its name. Remember that special time on earth, during the time of the Judges, when “everybody did what was right in his own eyes”? That’s what we’re looking for men! So go to it! We’ll see you tomorrow with the next in the series for men only. Tomorrow’s topic will be… “Exciting new ways technology can control your life!” You don’t want to miss that! Next week we’ll have a fascinating series of podcasts, how-to’s on building your unhappy home: How to become useless around the house; How to pretend to take your wife seriously; and How to manage your work-life balance so that work always wins. Signing off for now, your House Devil, Snake.