Home Sweet Home: Practicing the Social Graces
Nurturing a Christian Home by Practicing the Social Graces of Common Courtesy.
“There are no ‘ordinary’ people… You have never talked to a mere mortal… It is immortals whom we joke with, marry, snub, and exploit…” (C. S. Lewis).
Christian homes are not ‘charm schools.’ Families don’t always about proper etiquette. Who cares, really, if you lift your pinky finger when drinking your can of Diet Pepsi? Much of what passes for good etiquette and charming behavior is just an insincere, superficial attempt at a certain upper-class image that has little everyday importance.
Instead of proper etiquette, though, Christ-centered homes do need to guide the children into expressions of common courtesy. Do we really need to be polite and respectful during our busy home life together? The short answer is Yes! Good manners learned in the home are the first step towards a vital Christian virtue: unselfishness.
Unselfish politeness is not that easy at home, though, because we are so familiar with each other that we don’t take common respect very seriously. Also, our me-first culture is going in the opposite direction. Indulge yourself; Have it your way; I like what you do for me; Looking out for #1; and so many more self-oriented tag lines. Our self-centered society has been loud and clear in giving us all one big message: Consider yourself more important than anyone else. Make sure you please yourself before anyone else. And so, everywhere you look, courteous manners are mostly seen as silly, uncool, or a sign of weakness.
But the truth of the matter is that simple courtesy actually is gracious and reflects the grace of God. It really is important for all of us to be considerate of others. Civilized countries have always used sincere politeness as a way of measuring one’s education and maturity level. What’s more, civilized manners at home are the best way of heading in the right direction for behavior outside the home, enabling each of us to develop a true company of friends and neighbors.
It’s eye-opening for us to realize that every one of our friends and neighbors are a unique work of art created by God, the Master Artist. They are not mere mortals. That squirmy child with you at the table, that sibling who is doing his best to be unreasonable, that aunt or uncle or grandparent paying a visit, are each made in God’s image, are thus born of nobility, and carry God’s fingerprints. Each person we see deserves our respect and thoughtfulness, not only in what we say and how we say it, but also in what we do and how we do it. Think about this… Everyone we rub shoulders with every day, whether inside the home or out in the world, is an eternal being. Every person we know is a sacred being, a child of God carrying God’s breath, and so is to be treated as royalty.
So how do we go about learning to treat each other with common courtesy at the home front? The first step is simple but difficult: Lengthen our attention span with those around us; Look to the interests of others before oneself; Grow in being considerate in the little things each day; Allow others to be different and a potential friend if possible; Pay attention to what is going on outside our own sweet self. What follows are words to the wise. Practicing words like the following with each other every day at home, and it will gradually be full of grace and truth, just like the Master Artist Himself.
TALKING THE WALK: Vocabulary Words for Family, Friends and Neighbors
(1.) Yes and No.
Believe it or not, there are respectful ways of answering in the affirmative and in the negative. The official version of Yes and No, especially to an elder, is far more respectful than the usual yup, yeh, nope, nah, and the occasional look-away grunt. A full-fledged Yes or No makes the person feel respected and worthy of a language better than street slang. All it takes is practice and basic courtesy.
(2.) Please and Thank You.
Maybe this is too obvious, but it is still important. Both of these expressions reveal a humility that reflects something about one’s character. Please reveals someone who doesn’t expect the world to revolve around their every wish. And Thank You simply shows that you are truly grateful for whatever comes your way. These two expressions actually reveal quite a lot about oneself.
(3.) You First and May I Help.
What could be more unselfish than simply allowing a neighbor to go before you when trying to do the same thing at the same time? Whether it’s the doorway, or a drinking fountain, or in a discussion at the family table, deferring to the other person speaks louder than words. Offering to assist others in some way shows your respect for them too. Learn to look for ways to help family members, especially in the little things.
(4.) I’m Sorry and Excuse Me.
A sincere apology shows others that we care about our affect on other people, and that we are humble enough to admit our mistakes. Excusing oneself is much the same thing, depending on the situation, whether it’s accidentally interrupting someone, or unthinkingly yawning in someone’s face in the middle of a conversation. Sincere apologies help heal fractured friendships and go a long way to making the peace.
(5.) I Forgive you and Let’s Forget it.
The most difficult and mature thing to do with other people is to show them grace, to forgive and forget. And there is probably nothing more important. None of us are very good at this, so we need to ask for God’s help. Ask God to help us let go of grudges, to give others the benefit of the doubt, to “weigh the scales in their favor.” Being gracious and generous with others sometimes means we have to have a short memory. Ask God for help to have patience with someone else’s faults, just as we would like others to be patient with our faults and mistakes. Showing undeserved grace to others in their weakness is essentially allowing them to be human.
(6.) I Like You but This isn’t Right.
It certainly isn’t easy to stand up to a sibling or a friend and not follow that person into doing something foolish. But what if we might save that family member or friend from making a bad mistake in judgment? We need family, friends and neighbors to confront us, to stand up to us, to keep us honest. In fact, positive peer pressure is an important sign of a healthy relationship and a healthy home. Think of this… We’d need a lot less parental discipline if siblings helped to keep each other in line. If we see someone walking down the road in the wrong direction, the most loving thing we can do is help that person turn around and get going in the right direction.
(7.) I Disagree but I’m Listening.
It’s okay to disagree, but it’s not okay to close your mind during the disagreement. Learn to listen to what others are saying before offering one’s own opinion. It’s the polite and respectful thing to do, and we will probably end up learning something in the process. Be open, humble, and don’t be afraid to say something like, “I could be wrong about this, but this is what I think.” Honest, civilized, respectful disagreements result in a family which truly listens to and learns from each other.
(8.) I Respect You because You’re My Elder.
One idea that has lasted since the beginning of time is this: Respect and honor someone who is older than us, or who is placed in authority over us. Why? For one thing, obeying our leaders on earth is good practice for obeying God in heaven. Obeying earthly leaders gives us a sense of what it takes to obey the Leader in heaven. Also, generally speaking, those who have lived longer have more life experience and will probably know a lot more about life than we do. Elders deserve our respect and our openness to following their lead. Of course, if the leader is asking us to do something wrong, absolutely do not follow their lead.
(9.) Pretending For Real.
What if we don’t feel like being polite or courteous? We all have those days when we are in a bad mood and don’t really care about common courtesy or social graces. Here’s a little secret: Pretend. It often is true that the best way to get a good attitude is to start acting as if we already have it. If we are not feeling particularly friendly some day, but we know we should be, the best thing we can do is put on a friendly manner and behave as if we were a nicer person than we really are at that moment. We’ll soon find ourselves feeling friendlier! This is not bad pretending, which is dishonest and insincere, but good pretending, which is knowing what is right and doing it even if we don’t feel like it. Remember that acts of self-discipline like these may change our outward actions for the better, but only God can give us the sincere heart to match up with our outer actions. God can give each of us the purer motivation for common courtesy. Ask God daily to change our heart for the better. If we participate in God’s goodness and cooperate with Him, He will gladly keep changing us from within at the heart level.