12. Relationship Words in the Word: Friendship (with Jesus)
- Relationship Words in the Word: Friendship (with Jesus).
Aretha Franklin 1972 – What a Friend We Have in Jesus
“This is my command: that you keep on loving each other just as I have loved you. No one has greater love than a person who lays down his life for his friends. You are my friends, if you do what I command you. I no longer call you servants, because a servant doesn’t know what his master is about; but I have called you friends, because everything I have heard from my Father I have made known to you.” (John 15:12-15).
The word “relationship” is a relatively new word, first used in 1744, that tries to sum up many old ideas. This very modern word is not even mentioned in the Bible, but the concept is as old as the hills, as ancient as creation, as eternal as the Trinity. So there are a truckload of terms and ideas in Scripture that describe different aspects of relationship, words like fellowship, community, active participation, partnership, indwell, kin, with, union, presence. We have biblical titles like Emmanuel and Paraclete. And we can find biblical pictures of relationship in marriage, friendship, companionship, and family. Even the word “knowledge” is a relationship word. There is one Greek term, though, that we’ll discuss later in this series, and it seems to come closest to “relationship,” and that New Testament word is “koinonia.” But maybe we should start at the beginning. Actually, relationship began before the beginning, in the Holy Trinity.
A Basic Question. How about the most basic of questions… Why did God create mankind? He didn’t need to, because He is utterly and eternally complete within the intimate communion of the Trinity. The Father, Son and Holy Spirit have enjoyed the most intimate of relationship forever, before time, outside of time, for all time. This divine Threesome share an interrelatedness that is far beyond our understanding. The Trinity is the Original Relationship, the deepest personal communion imaginable, a unity of love and connection. The Three Persons are so intertwined that they are somehow inside each other.
Why would the Almighty Creator God stoop to pursuing a friendship with those He formed from the dust? So God doesn’t really need us as if we could complete Him in any way. One simple way to look at this basic question is this… God created humanity because God is love. There is so much love in Love that within the bonds of their unity there exists an insatiable desire to extend their relationship of love outside of Themselves, with us! God created humankind in order to share their love and enjoy an intimate fellowship with the likes of us! Creator God wanted to spread around His love and not keep it in-house. He is so full of love that He wanted to create people in His image with whom He could develop a friendship. God created us to have deep fellowship with Him, and He gets great joy out of that loving relationship with each of us. He didn’t create us because it would complete Him in some way, He created us knowing that friendship with Him would complete us!
Our Purpose and Meaning. Relationship with Creator God is, then, the whole point of our existence, our friendship with the Lord is the center-point of mankind’s life purpose and meaning. We humans can find our significance only in a relationship with God, and He has set in place our destiny to be in union with Him.
Philos-Friend. In his gospel, St. John, “the one who Jesus loved,” consistently used the Greek term “phileo” as the base word for ‘friend.’ A philos love is the warm affection reserved for a family member or close friend, and is an experiential word. Brotherly/sisterly love for a friend needs to be demonstrated in action that proves the truth of the love. The love of an intimate friendship is authentic when lived out in personal action. A philos friendship is a deep companionship that can never be taken for granted in a relationship. A philos friend has been defined as someone held dear in a close bond of personal affection. A philos friendship is more like a covenant, a shared and mutual commitment to each other.
- A Friend of Sinners. “Many dishonest tax collectors and other notorious sinners often gathered around to listen as Jesus taught the people. This raised concerns with the religious leaders and experts of the Law. Indignant, they grumbled and complained, saying, ‘Look at how this man associates with all these great sinners and welcomes them all to come to him!’” (Luke 15:1-2).
CityAlight – He Calls Me Friend (Live) – YouTube
“Jesus and His disciples went to have a banquet with Levi Matthew. Among the guests in Levi’s house were many tax collectors and notable sinners sharing a meal with Jesus, for there were many kinds of people who followed Him. But when the religious scholars and the Pharisees found out that Jesus was keeping company and dining with public sinners and tax collectors, they were indignant. So they approached Jesus’ disciples and said to them, ‘Why is it that someone like Jesus defiles Himself by eating with sinners and tax collectors?’ But when Jesus overheard their complaint, He said to them, ‘Who goes to the doctor for a cure? Those who are well or those who are sick? I have not come to call the ‘righteous,’ but to call those who are sinners and bring them to repentance. Then He added, ‘Now you should go and study the meaning of the verse: ‘I want you to show mercy, not just offer me a sacrifice.’”(Matthew 9:10-13; Mark 2:15-17).
Public Sinners with Jesus. Jesus is really enjoying Himself. He is the guest of honor at a banquet hosted by His newest disciple, Matthew the tax collector, and He is making Himself at home. Because Levi Matthew made a lucrative career out of collaborating with the hated Romans, to the extent of extorting money from his own people, Matthew is an outcast in Jewish society. He was considered by the religious establishment to be unclean, a public sinner, and was not even allowed to worship in the local synagogues. It makes sense then that the only friends Matthew had were other outcasts, other sinners as judged by the Temple authorities. Add to that the fact that there were many public sinners who followed Jesus from place to place, and there was sure enough quite the unsavory group at Matthew’s house.
Religious Outcasts. In the middle of Matthew’s banquet, a Pharisee came to the door in a huff, expressing his disgust with Jesus. He told Jesus that He was defiling Himself by eating with these reprobates. The Pharisee then confronted the disciples, asking them how they could let their celebrated rabbi associate with such sinful characters. Like all Pharisees, this man was making a blanket judgment. The Pharisees called people sinners for any number of offenses, ranging from public sinners like tax collectors and prostitutes, to those Jews who didn’t ritually wash their hands before eating. Sinners could be those who didn’t tithe properly, or who loved to eat on fasting days. Sinners could be those who didn’t pay Temple tax. In the Pharisees’ mind, sinners could be anything from notorious criminals to impious Jews who don’t worship in the Temple or attend synagogue regularly. Matthew’s group at the table were a wide range of sinners, and the Pharisee rejected the whole lot of them.
Befriending those on the margins. Jesus was happy to be known as the “friend of sinners” (Matthew 11:19). He loved eating with the riffraff, to be at table with them. He thought that sharing a meal was a sacred time of fellowship. It was a way to unite with people, to identify with them, to enjoy social interaction and deepen friendships. It was a natural part of Jesus’ personality that He broke bread with those on the margins and made them the center of His attention. After all, He knew what it felt like to be judged and rejected. Jesus found that the outcasts didn’t have any pretensions, they didn’t pretend to be holy or respectable. He found their authentic honesty to be refreshing. They thought that since they were already being judged for their actions, why bother hiding anything? They were used to living with the reality of their bad reputations, so why pretend otherwise? Jesus accepted them and went out of His way to build a sense of trust with the outcasts. He made it a practice to eat with anyone who invited Him to the table, Pharisee or sinner. But His everyday companions tended to be those who were on the outside looking in. “For I have come to invite the outcasts of society and the sinners, not those who think they are already on the right path.” (Matt. 9:13).
- Friend of His Betrayer. “So Judas came straight to Jesus, ‘Greetings, Rabbi!’ he exclaimed, and gave Him a kiss. Jesus said, ‘My friend, go ahead and do what you have come for.’ Then the others grabbed Jesus and arrested Him.” (Matthew 26:49-50).
The tragic life of Judas Iscariot is well documented in the Gospels. He was hand-picked by Jesus to be in the original group of twelve disciples. He was soon the treasurer of that group’s common purse as they traveled from place to place. Judas was greedy and dishonest, though, and he occasionally stole from the purse when he wanted money. Judas followed Jesus for three years, listening to all His parables, witnessing the countless miracles, observing Jesus in his interactions with everyone from the Pharisees to the lepers. Judas was with Jesus around the campfires at night, at meals, in synagogues, on the road. But Judas never really believed in Jesus. He was going through the motions of following Him without actually taking Him in.
With all these spiritual complications in Judas’ psyche, he became ripe for manipulation in the hands of Satan. The enemy used Judas, plain and simple. Satan gleefully moved Judas from one square to another on his checkerboard. But while the evil one was playing checkers, God was playing chess. And Judas chose to become a pawn. Judas used his free will to become a fulfillment of God’s sovereign plan:
- “Even my best friend, the one I trusted completely, the one who shared my food, has turned against me.” (Psalm 41:9; also refer to Jesus’ words in John 13:18).
- “It is not an enemy who taunts me – I could bear that. It is not my foes who so arrogantly insult me – I could have hidden from them. Instead, it is you – my equal, my companion and close friend. What good fellowship we once enjoyed as we walked together to the house of God.” (Psalm 55:12-14).
- “I love them, but they try to destroy me with accusations even as I am praying for them! They repay evil for good, and hatred for my love… Let his years be few, let someone else take his position.” (Psalm 109:4, 5, 8; also refer to Acts 1:20).
Friendship with Judas. Jesus knew what was going on in Judas’ heart, and yet He continued to offer Judas acceptance and friendship. Jesus never wavered in His commitment to Judas. On the one hand, early in His ministry He called Judas “the devil.” (John 6:70). But on the other hand, Jesus remained faithful to Judas throughout their years together in ministry. Just before His betrayal, Jesus actually washed the feet of Judas! (John 13). How could Judas have allowed that to happen in good conscience? By that time, Judas had no conscience. Shortly later at the Last Supper, Jesus dipped a piece of bread into a bowl and offered it to Judas. This was an extraordinary gesture in this situation, because in their culture to perform that simple act in particular was a display of intimate friendship. It was at this point that Satan entered Judas’ heart for good. (John 13:26). And finally, when Judas betrayed Jesus with a kiss in the garden of Gethsemane, Jesus addressed Judas with, “Friend, go ahead and do what you have come for.” (Matthew 26:50). There are two Greek words for friend. One word, philos, means true friend and intimate companion. The other Greek word is hetairos, which means false friend, someone who attaches himself to a one-sided friendship for selfish reasons. Aware of all the dynamics in this complex situation, Jesus called Judas hetairos. Jesus acknowledged that with Judas He indeed had a one-sided friendship.
- Peter’s Friend. “So when they had eaten breakfast, Jesus said to Simon Peter, ‘Simon son of John, do you love (agape) me more than these others?’ Peter said to Him, ‘Yes, Lord; You know that I love (phileo) you like a loyal friend.’ Jesus said to him, ‘Feed my lambs.’ Jesus said to Peter a second time, ‘Simon son of John, do you love (agape) me?’ Peter said again to Jesus, ‘Yes Lord; You know that I love (phileo) you like a loyal friend and brother.’ Jesus said to Peter, ‘Tend my sheep.’ Jesus said to Peter the third time, ‘Simon, son of John, do you love (phileo) me?’ Peter was grieved because Jesus asked him three times, ‘Do you love me?’ Peter said a third time, ‘Lord, you know all things; you know that I love you like a close friend and brother.’ Jesus said to him, ‘Feed my sheep.’” (John 21:15-19).
Restoring a Friendship. At the beach after some fishing, Jesus was very intentional about undoing the damage of Peter’s denials. Jesus wonderfully, with insight and wisdom, gave Peter three times to confirm Peter’s love for Him. Did Jesus astutely plan on speaking with Peter with the smoke of the charcoal fire in the air around them? If smell is our strongest sense and what brings our memories to the surface, was the charcoal fire at the beach helpful to bring about Peter’s redemption, reminding Peter of how he needs his relationship with Jesus to be restored? Three times to profess his love, three times to be assured of Jesus’ forgiveness, three times to be restored, not only in Jesus’ eyes, but also in the eyes of Peter himself. Jesus gave Peter the chance to redeem himself through these three questions. Jesus removed the cloud of Peter’s denials, and in the process put the nails in the coffin of Peter’s shame. Jesus helped Peter to silence the crowing of the rooster that surely was blaring in his spirit. Jesus proceeded to display confidence in Peter, revealing that he believed in Peter enough to ask him to be the shepherd of the Christian community soon to develop in Jesus’ absence. Peter said Yes to Jesus… Yes, Jesus, I do love you; yes, Jesus, I will feed your sheep and lead your people. Yes, Jesus, I commit myself to serving you for the rest of my days. This is a profound story of Peter’s redemption.
Not Quite Ready for Agape Love. This fascinating conversation between Jesus and Peter involved two words for love… agape love and phileo love. Jesus asked Peter twice if he loved Him with a deep, unconditional and devoted love (agape). Both times Peter responded with a phileo love, which means a personal affection like for a close friend or brother. The third time Jesus recognized that Peter at this point is not ready for agape love, but instead perfectly willing to love Jesus with phileo love. Jesus knows though, that Peter would faithfully grow into a deep agape love for Him to the point of sacrificing his very life for Him.
Phileos Friend vs. Agape Friend. There are many New Testament scholars who believe that, like the original Greek term, agape love and phileos love can overlap in meaning and are relatively synonymous, especially in the Gospel of John. Phileos, brotherly love, is sometimes called agape’s “fraternal twin.” This makes sense to a certain degree, since there could be a fine line between a deep, affectionate brotherly/sisterly love and a sacrificial, unconditional love. At least we can easily say that we can have both kinds of love for the same person. It’s not a stretch to say that the agape and phileos loves are bosom buddies, since Jesus said the Father loves us with a phileos love (John 16:7). Jesus also said that the Father loves Him with a phileos love (John 5:20), and that He loved his best friend Lazarus with a phileos love (John 11:3), not an agape love. But for the most part, agape seems clearly to be distinctive from the other kinds of love in Scripture. Agape remains divine love that is unconditional, sacrificial, active, universal and a total gift from the heart of God. The fact remains, agape love is the highest form of love that God gives to us and that is intended for others through us. Sometimes the Greek language is not as perfectly clear as we would like it to be, not as precise. The original Greek term of agape was much messier, and included all the kinds of love combined in the term. Sometimes that imprecise history to Greek terms is carried forward, and we’ll just have to continue to trust that we are receiving what God wants for us from the inspired Scripture.
‘You cannot live well without a friend. And if Jesus be not your friend above all else, you will be very sad and desolate.” (Thomas A’Kempis, The Imitation of Christ).
Qualities of Friendship with Jesus. What goes into developing a friendship with someone? And then what in particular does our friendship with Jesus look like? The qualities of a committed friendship in general, and especially in our growing friendship with Christ, might include:
- Trust in Christ’s motives, actions, and personal character. Let faith fuel your friendship with Him, sight unseen, trusting in Him even though you don’t see Him;
- Obedience of what Jesus asks us to do in order to demonstrate our love for Him;
- Transparency and complete, honest openness with Christ, keeping no secrets from Him;
- Loyalty to Christ, and our faithful relationship with Him in a covenant commitment to our friendship;
- Sacrifices come second nature in our friend-love for Jesus, self-denial to the point of death;
- Mutual relationship in our love for Christ and His love for us, not a one-sided relationship, but instead a deep two-way sharing of the love between Jesus and each of us. We reciprocate each other’s love in a deep give-and-take way.
- Vulnerable in our relationship with Jesus, unafraid to reveal our weaknesses in his presence, willing to confess and reveal all our flaws with Him as we approach His throne of grace;
- Patience in the process of developing our friendship with Christ. Anything that goes this soul-deep takes time, effort, ongoing trust, and an intentional desire to maintain intimacy with Him;
- Perseverance. Spiritually walk with Him into the place in your heart that is hurt or disappointed by Him. Don’t pull away from Jesus when you have a conflict with Him, but instead address what is difficult by moving into the sore spot in your friendship with Him.
Consider that Jesus seemed to be everybody’s friend. He was so full of love for people that He couldn’t be otherwise. Christ was the friend of sinners and outcasts as well as the faithful few who followed Him. He was the pure Son of God who was perfectly comfortable touching all the untouchables in His society, purifying those considered unclean. He told stories about restoring friendship through forgiveness, such as the Prodigal Son. Jesus loved being the friend of the friendless, the One who accepted the rejected. He didn’t just blithely mention that there is no greater love than to lay down his life for his friends. He knew only too well that in His immediate future was the Cross. As we follow Him in earnest, His Spirit is within us as our Friend, remaking us into people who would follow in Jesus’ footsteps.